Modern Humorist - Oscar Ballot 2003
Shop the MH Superstore!

Best Adapted Screenplay

About a Boy

About Schmidt

The Hours

Who Will Win:
Ha! A film called "Adaptation," which is about writer Charlie Kaufman's struggle to adapt a book for the screen, gets nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. That’s such a meta conceit, it makes my head hurt!

Enjoy the rest of this piece.
Charlie Kaufman

Best Music (Song)


8 Mile
Gangs of New York
The Wild Thornberrys Movie

Who Will Win:
The Academy is clearly going to make themselves look hip here by giving the award to the edgiest song. Though Paul Simon’s blistering ode to a family of zoologists living in Africa comes close, I’m going to have to go with Eminem. And it’s worth noting that should Eminem win, he’ll be the first rapper ever to do so in this category. It’s also worth noting that if he wins, he’ll be the 72nd white person to be honored.

Best Visual Effects

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Who Will Win:
"The Two Towers" is clearly the front-runner here: flying dragons, epic battles, talking trees. It’s just too bad that Steve Buscemi didn’t get nominated for his portrayal of Gollum.

Best Supporting Actor

Chris Cooper, Adaptation

Ed Harris, The Hours
Paul Newman, Road to Perdition
John C. Reilly, Chicago

Christopher Walken, Catch Me if You Can

Who Will Win:
Walken’s the front-runner. The academy likes to reward an actor at the peak of his career, and the next year alone will feature Walken in "Kangaroo Jack 2," "The Country Bears 2: Back to the Country" and "Poolhall Junkies 2: Still Poolin’."

Best Supporting Actress

Kathy Bates, About Schmidt

Julianne Moore, The Hours
Queen Latifah, Chicago
Meryl Streep, Adaptation

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago

Who Will Win:
All hail the Queen!
(The Queen of Petty Lawsuits, Catherine Zeta-Jones!)

Best Actor

Adrien Brody, The Pianist

Nicolas Cage, Adaptation
Michael Caine, The Quiet American
Daniel Day-Lewis, Gangs of New York
Jack Nicholson, About Schmidt

Who Will Win:
This year’s race is a bit wider than usual as no one played a retard or an eccentric genius or an eccentric retard. So I’m going with Day-Lewis since he’s previously portrayed both geniuses and retards. Also, he wears a stovepipe hat and a curly mustache in his film, and that has to count for something.

Best Actress

Salma Hayek, Frida

Nicole Kidman, The Hours
Diane Lane, Unfaithful
Julianne Moore, Far From Heaven

Renée Zellweger, Chicago

Who Will Win:
[For this category we’re throwing to Modern Humorist’s resident style guru, Steven Cojocaru.]

"It’s the ugly nose versus the unibrow in this race. Thankfully, Diane Lane’s people made her tweeze before the SAGs. Julianne Moore on the other hand…Blecch! Visit your favorite plastic surgeon, sister! Stat! By the way, I have no discernible talent or experience in any field."

Best Director

Rob Marshall, Chicago

Martin Scorsese, Gangs of New York
Stephen Daldry, The Hours
Roman Polanski, The Pianist

Pedro Almodóvar, Talk to Her

Who Will Win:
This is a no-brainer. The winner will be the most talented of the bunch, a legend among filmmakers whose work has been influential since the early 1970s. Someone who should have received this award ages ago for his previous accomplishments. That’s right, it’s you, Mr. Polanski. Come on over and accept the recognition you so greatly deserve. Come and let your Hollywood peers honor your— Roman, don’t! It’s a trap! They put me up to this! The second you set foot in the country they’ll be on you faster than Scorsese on an Antonioni retrospective. They said they’d hurt my family if I didn’t cooperate!

Best Picture


Gangs of New York
The Hours
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Pianist

Who Will Win:
[The following is the text of an editorial by Oscar-winning director Robert Wise, ghostwritten by a publicist at Miramax.]

Hello, Oscar pool participants. I want to take a moment to urge you to bet on "Chicago." Using my expertise as a winner of somewhere between two and four Oscars, I've determined that a bet on "Chicago" is the smart bet. I know you're probably torn between placing your bet on "Chicago" and "Gangs of New York." I suggest you compromise: Bet on "Chicago" but go see "Gangs of New York" in a theater four or five times. That way, everyone wins! Also, if you are hosting an Oscar party, why not skip the pre-show for another viewing of "Shakespeare in Love"? That's not a mere "movie," that's a film. Thanks so much for your time. "View from the Top" opens March 21.

Best Awkward Anti-War Moment

Martin Sheen

Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon
Sean Penn
Paul Simon

Michael Caine

Who Will Win:
Though this category could have a surprise or two, Sheen will likely take it for his pre-show rant about "no blood for oil" to confused "Access Hollywood" correspondent Nancy O’Dell.

Best Level of Applause
During the "Dead People"

Richard Harris

Nell Carter
Dudley Moore
Billy Wilder

James Coburn

Who Will Win:
James Coburn has the most industry cred. On the other hand, Richard Harris could edge out the competition thanks to his recent turns in the "Harry Potter" films. But in the end, it’ll be the most popular choice that’ll take it. Congrats, Dudley! See you at Elton John’s after party!

More Oscar Week 2003:
Deuces Wild

A Nose is a Nose
A Day-Lewis and a Dollar Short

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.