|Talk Magazine L.L.C. (hereinafter "Talk" or "The Anglo-American Conversation") and _____________, (hereinafter "Author" or "Our Bitch") agree as follows:
1. Author will write an article of approximately _________ words in length (word count not to exceed national attention span as determined by this week's focus group) on subject _____________ (hereinafter "the Material" or "the Vision" or "Chatter" or "Flava"). The Material will be submitted to Talk in form and content satisfactory to Talk on or before ________.
2. Talk will pay Author, upon acceptance of the Material, __________. (Payment to be made in dollars or tickets to Muppets 3D at the Disney-MGM Studios.) In the event the Editor-in-Chief of Talk or her designee determines the Material and/or Author is no longer hot, Author shall have the opportunity to compete for a kill-fee on an episode of Win Ben Stein's Money. Talk will reimburse author for reasonable expenses incurred in performance of services under this agreement, provided that all purchases are made at The Disney Store, ESPNThe Store or an approved e-commerce site (http://shop.go.com).
3. The subject(s) of and research relating to the Material and the Material themselves are confidential and shall be discussed only with those directly involved in the preparation of the Material and any Happy Meal figures based thereon, or with Alex Kuczynski. Author agrees to respond to any and all requests for information about the Material, Talk Magazine L.L.C., or the Editor-in-Chief of Talk or her designee with one or more of the following statements:
(a) "No comment."
(b) "Which part of 'No comment' don't you understand?"
(c) "You write about this and I guarantee there'll be no coöperation down the line."
(d) " I imagine there must be something else going on in the life of this city that you'd like to ask about. Or we have gotten to the point of ultimate frivolity?"
(e) "Drop this matter now or we let Quentin go back to acting."
4. (a) Author hereby grants to Talk all rights to the Material throughout the universe, as well as outside of New York, L.A. and Washington.
(b) Exclusive right to option Material as a book shall be held by Talk Miramax Books. If Talk Miramax Books declines to option Material, book rights shall revert to Hyperion Books or, in the event Author is Maya Angelou, Jump at the Sun Books.
(i) First right to review any book based on Material shall be held by one of the following: L.A. Magazine, ESPNThe Magazine, Discover, Women's Wear Daily, Family Fun, W Magazine, Disney Magazine, Supermarket News, Footwear News, Salon News or Executive Technology.
(ii) If Author is photogenic, exclusive right to put Author on a magazine cover on or around the release date of a book based on Material shall be held by Jane.
(c) Exclusive right to option Material for film shall be held by Miramax Films. If Material deals with controversial subject matter, film rights shall revert to a company, to be named later, that shall be owned by Harvey Weinstein but that shall have nothing at all to do with Miramax.
(i) First right to create theme park ride based on movie version of Material shall be held by Disney-MGM Studios. If Disney-MGM Studios declines to create theme park ride, rights shall revert to Disneyland, The Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center, Tokyo Disneyland, Animal Kingdom, EuroDisney, Downtown Disney or California Adventure.
(i a) Creator of theme park ride based on movie version of Material shall have the right to alter any elements of Material it deems necessary. This right includes, but is not limited to, turning a true story of adventure and tragic death in the wilderness into a fun-filled experience for the whole family in which nobody dies.
(i a i) If someone does die on a theme park ride based on movie version of Material, Author shall be held responsible.
(d) Exclusive right to option Material for television shall be held by ABC Entertainment or ABC News, depending on how and whether entertainment and news are being distinguished from one another at the time of negotiations. If ABC declines to option Material, television rights shall revert to the Disney Channel, Lifetime, A&E, ESPN or ESPN Classic.
(i) Television program based on Material shall not be pre-empted for any sports coverage, with the exception of championshipgames being played by The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim or the Anaheim Angels.
(e) Exclusive right to stage a musical theater version of Material shall be held by Broadway's New Amsterdam Theater. If the New Amsterdam declines to stage a musical, rights shall revert to the on-board entertainers of the S.S. Disney Magic or the S.S. Disney Wonder.
(i) Cruise ship staging musical shall have the right to create themed buffet based on Material.
(f) Exclusive right to re-purpose Material for the World Wide Web shall be held by Infoseek. Infoseek may re-purpose Material as often as necessary for GO Network or any of the GO Network family of sites, including but not limited to Disney.com, ABC.com, ABCNews.com, Family.com, ESPN.com, Mr. ShowBiz or Wall of Sound.
(g) Author shall retain the right to become so frustrated with restrictiveness of this contract and inflexibility of Talk's in-house counsel that Author decides to never write for magazines again and in fact packs up and leaves New York City for good and moves to an old-fashioned small town where people have real American values and treat each other with dignity and friendship and where Author never has to put up with this kind of bullshit anymore, damn it.
(i) Exclusive right to be new small town home of Author shall be held by Celebration, Florida.
5. Talk may use Author's name, likeness, and DNA sequencing to promote, publicize, and generate buzz for Talk and any affiliated, subsidiary, and parent companies without additional compensation, no matter how much additional revenue is generated for Talk. Author will cooperate with Talk in all promotion including participating in web chats or flame wars, submitting to an interview by Matt Drudge, and appearing on a nondramatic television program produced by Talk that even Author's own mother won't watch, that's how nondramatic it will be.
6. This agreement may not be altered, folded, spindled or mutilated. No contrary or inconsistent terms, conditions, restrictions, or other provisions in letters, memos, web chats or other documents will be binding on Talk, unless they are in Talk's favor. Any notices to Talk must be sent by certified mail, by a nationally recognized overnight service that advertises in Talk Magazine or by facsimile to the attention of the Editor-in-Chief of Talk or her designee, who will ignore them, or to General Counsel at Talk, whom Author will wish had ignored them. If Author is fortunate enough to be invited to the Talk launch party, Author shall refrain from snide comments about appropriateness of holding party at the Statue of Liberty vis-a-vis the conditions of this agreeement.
7. If Author is Martin Amis, just tear this contract up. We'll work something out over dinner at 44say, 8ish?
Accepted & Agreed:
Talk Magazine L.L.C.
Editor-in-Chief or her designee: ____________
General Counsel or his bagman: _____________