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Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

Tuesday, 9:00 p.m.
Producer and director James Cameron ("Terminator," "Strange Days," "Aliens," "Titanic") teams up with actress Jessica Alba as he stalks her across the Pacific Northwest, trying to marry her. "I never felt this way before about any of my previous wives," says Cameron, "not Linda Hamilton ('Terminator'), Kathryn Bigelow ('Strange Days'), Gale Anne Hurd ('Aliens') or even my current wife, Suzy Amis ('Titanic')."

Saturday, 8:00 p.m. and 8:30 p.m.
In its thirteenth season, "COPS" will continue to bring viewers squalid scenes of bored policemen harrassing dispirited, shirtless losers—but this time with a laugh track!

Friday, 9:00 p.m.
How do people behave in the dark, when they think no one can see them? To answer this question, we sent out a team of commandos to look in people’s windows with night-vision cameras and a telephoto lens. Will you watch thirty grainy minutes of ugly people humping? We're betting on it!

Thursday, 8:00 p.m.
From high-speed chases to nail-biting standoffs to digital animation of the Red Hot Chili Peppers surfing, no one can realize a song on screen better than a cop. See what happens when the men and women of law enforcement meld their imaginative visuals to the works of Missy Elliot, Creed and Nelly.

Wednesday, 8:30 p.m.
You're saying to yourself, "What's so normal about Ohio?" You'd be surprised! We've taken away the dark Lynchian underbelly of the midwest—none of that stereotypical "Ohio virgin evisceration" or those "Buckeye urine-drinking parties"—and left only the shallow veneer of amiability. Watch for the very special episode when John Goodman tries to bond with his estranged heterosexual son by buying him a gift subscription to Honcho.

Monday, 8:00 p.m.
The idea for this series was forged in a twelve-hour marathon in which David E. Kelley wrote pilots for seventeen new shows. Surrounded by an army of sycophants who poured him coffee and wiped his brow, the Emmy-winning writer typed nonstop until he reached 500 pages. Sadly, for 470 of those pages, his fingers were misaligned on the keyboard, resulting in dialogue like this:

SAARU; O esmy yp d;rr[ eoyj upi mpe@

TOVJSTF; Plsu. niy gotdy, s dpmh.

Luckily, the thirty legible pages were about a school in Massachusetts, which we named "Boston Public." David was able to sell the rest to UPN.

Friday, 8:00 p.m.
The Web sure is scary—if you're old. Ezekiel Carruthers (Wilford Brimley) gets panicky when his computer keeps making buzzing and clicking noises after he opens Netscape. His nephew tries to explain that it's the sound of his modem connecting, but Zeke is convinced that his computer is possessed by the devil. So his family puts him in a home.

Wednesday, 9:00 p.m.
We’re all sitting around talking about the new season, right? And we’ve got this show about Wall Street brokers, and none of us can figure out what to call it. Tom, he wants to call it "Wall Street," and I’m like, dude, that’s a movie, and he’s all, oh yeah, right. Jeff thinks "Tits and Assets" is good, but he thinks that’s a good title for pretty much anything. Tom’s still sitting there trying to figure out how to make the "Wall Street" name work—he’s muttering, "On Wall Street"? "From Wall Street"? "Off the Wall Street"? "The People Who Work on Wall Street"? And then Tad says, "Hey, wait a minute. What about just ‘The Street’?" And I’m all, but how will they know it’s about money? And he says, "We can make the ‘S’ into a dollar sign, like they did on ‘Vega$’." Tad’s a fucking genius, man. A fucking genius.

Sunday, 8:30 p.m.
What could be funnier than watching dumb people act like smart people who do dumb things? If you’re a dumb person, nothing! This year, Malcolm’s sarcasm is joined by newfound irony (David Foster Wallace).

Tuesday, 8:30 p.m.
Mastermind writer/director/producer Michael Crichton ("Twister," "Jurassic Park," "ER") brings his unique storytelling genius to FOX—except he won't be writing, directing or producing this upcoming series. He'll be acting in it! Crichton plays a stay-at-home father with two wisecracking daughters in this groundbreaking situation comedy.

Monday, 9 p.m.
After the success of last year's episode in which Ally dallies with lesbianism just enough to tongue-kiss her hot Asian colleague, this season she abandons the pretext of going to court altogether and devotes herself full-time to lingering in doorways, shimmying to Motown covers, eating bananas slooowly and experimenting with anal fisting.


Your favorite show, now with a reality TV twist! Listen to the updated theme music, by downloading this MP3.

Trust no one— especially not Rich. That's the new motto of our most popular series. This season, Agent Mulder has been voted out of the bureau, and Cancer Man's alliance with the aliens has Scully in its sights. Will the snake eat the rat? And will it be a giant snake that was once worshiped by the Aztecs and always thought to be a legend— until now? The truth is out there if you outwit, outlast and outplay. The brand-new
theme music will put you in the mood for governmental or tropical conspiricies.

Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

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