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Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

It's "Survivor," except in the cold vacuum of space. Ten contestants fight to hitch a ride to Mir, currently up on cinder blocks on the moon. Without any special aeronautic training—without even space suits, for fuck's sake!—they must find a way home.

Thursday, 8 p.m.
Six outgoing thirtysomethings compete ruthlessly for "laughs." At the same time, they must work together to build a "situation" that unfolds to a funny denouement, all within a mere twenty-two minutes. The emaciated condition of the women on the show attests to the reality of their hardships.

Saturday, 8:00 p.m.
On the recommendations of their parents and guidance counselors, seven troubled teens are chained to an angry bear.

Wednesday, 9 p.m.
Don't miss the incredible true story of eight gods selected to live high atop a mountain in the Greek countryside. Arguments erupt over who gets to operate the sun, why Hermes won’t admit that he is wicked gay and closet space. Things only get worse when monotheism arrives, and everyone blames those damn trade routes to Persia.

Wednesday, 9 p.m.
In episodes after Jan. 20th, 2001, the role now played by Martin Sheen will be played by a well-known celebrity new to regularly-scheduled programming.

Tuesday, 9:00 p,m.
Who will be the true survivor? Only four characters from "Cheers" haven’t yet guest starred on "Frasier": The Guy Who Was Even Fatter Than Norm and Never Had Any Lines, Rebecca’s Annoying British Boyfriend, That Mean Bald Guy Who Lived Upstairs and Vera.

Monday, 9:00 p.m.
We’ll be knocking on doors all over America every Monday night. If we catch you watching "Daddio," we’ll give you a million dollars. Okay, okay, two million.

Monday, 9:00 p.m.
From the creators of "Law and Order": The newspaper publishing system is made up of two separate but equally important groups: the paper companies that deliver huge quantities of newsprint to the printing plants, and the third-shift press operators who transfer words and pictures onto the paper.

These are their stories.

Tuesday, 9:30 p.m.
Did you love David Alan Grier in "Blankman" and "McHale's Navy"? You did? Why? No, seriously, why?

Sunday, 8 p.m.
Kids today have no manners! Whatever happened to the simple courtesy of a "mister" when addressing a talking horse?

Miniseries, Oct. 14-16
Fourth-grader Ben Gordon and his best friend Heather discover a land where leprechauns and elves really exist, dancing in a particular way actually makes it rain and Jesus Christ rose from the dead.

Monday, 8:30 p.m.
Meet Tucker, an all-American kid with a cynical yet endearing wit, a mom who walks around the house topless and a dad who likes to have his back shaven in the kitchen. Catch "Tucker in the Middle" Sunday night at 8:30 on Fox... I mean... um... er... gotta go! [Pulls out umbrella that becomes a mini-helicopter. Flies away through window.]

Thursday, 10:00 p.m.
A lesson for those of you who watched last season: As demonstrated in Julianna Margulies’ final episode, George Clooney can pop up on the show without any advance warning, so keep your eyes peeled! Don’t miss a minute! Don’t change the channel, or go into the kitchen to get a snack—he could wander into the ER at any time. Also, he could show up in the middle of a commercial, so watch all of those, too! Also, he could show up on "Daddio," so be sure to watch that as well.

Friday, 10:00 p.m.
It's even better than the original series because these cops have four-wheel drive.

Tuesday, 8 p.m.
If you liked Michael Richards as Kramer on "Seinfeld," you’ll love him in this far inferior program.

Thursday, 8:30 p.m.
This show's title is our gift to television critics, a way to ingratiate ourselves in a charming, self-deprecating manner. The executive who came up with this idea is now working from home.

NBC Answers Your Questions about "DAG" and "JAG"

Q: How can I tell the difference between "DAG" and "JAG"?
A: "JAG" is about lawyers in the Navy, while "DAG" is about the Secret Service. Two completely different branches of the U.S. government.

Q: I need more.
A: Okay—"JAG" stands for Judge Advocate General (bor-ing), while "DAG" is the monogram of its funny, funny star, David Alan Grier. And "DAG" sounds like it could be short for "dagnabbit," as in "Dagnabbit, that's a funny show," except it's not. Short for "dagnabbit," that is.

Q: Didn't "JAG" used to be on NBC?
A: Yes, but CBS picked it up after we cancelled it. That was before they got "Survivor" and realized that the real ratings are in SEALs, not JAGs.

Q: So can we expect an "AG" threepeat?
A: Sure enough. This spring we've got Richard Hatch in "HAG," an irreverent comedy about a woman friend of his who just won't leave him alone.

Q: Is David Alan Grier resentful of all the other regular cast members of "In Living Color" for becoming more successful than he is?
A: Absolutely not. For one thing, Jennifer Lopez was a Fly Girl, not a regular cast member. And Jim Carrey doesn't feel successful on the inside.

Q: But really, isn't he getting a little panicked about his career?
A: Heavens no! He's been in seven movies since 1999, including "Freeway II." How many movies has Marlon Brando finished in all that time? Not one! Some "great actor" he is.

Q: Yeah, but were any of those movies good?
A: David loves Chinese food, thanks for asking.

Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

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