Shop the MH Superstore!

Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

Sunday, 9:00 p.m.
Each week, advertisers battle to outwit, outlast and outpay the competition in order to secure thirty-second and sixty-second portions of national television time. Viewers then use their purchasing power to vote for the best advertisement, thereby granting the advertiser immunity to market fluctuations. To build suspense, the show also includes short comic plays about current events and human foibles. For more information, contact Julie Kantrowitz, (212) 636-5300.

Monday, 8:00 p.m.
Real-life trees are filmed over the course of one hundred years. The tree that reaches the greatest height is given one million dollars.

Saturday, 8:00 p.m.
To test the bonds of friendship, we have selected eight pairs of best friends to become surgically attached, Siamese-twin-style. The members of the pair who can go the longest without killing each other are awarded the knowledge that their friendship can withstand just about anything.

Thursday, 9:00 p.m.
Two chefs compete to make the most ironic multi-course dinner from ingredients that were trendy twenty years ago and are now considered completely tacky. The winner is the chef whose menu requires the most air quotes to describe.

Friday, 8:30 p.m.
You'll recognize lots of your favorite "teen" stars in the "90210" spoof "Grosse Pointe," but you sure won't recognize Lindsay Sloane because she is nothing at all like Aaron Spelling's daughter Tori. After all, everyone knows that Tori never had plastic surgery, yet Lindsay starts every episode with a new chin, breast or ribcage. Also, the woman who plays Lindsay can act, and her eyes are not on the sides of her head and in no way give her the appearance of a flounder. We hope these obvious differences will convince Mr. Spelling to step off.

Thursday, 8:00 p.m.
Lorelai Gilmore has made her share of mistakes in life, but she's doing her best to make sure that her sixteen-year-old daughter Rory doesn't follow in her footsteps. She tries a number of tactics, including greasing Rory's shoes, walking in zigzag patterns and setting up obstacles around the living room.

Wednesday, 9:00 p.m.
Keri's back! And what is that sitting on the top of her head and tumbling luxuriously down her back? Why, it's none other than Hollywood hunkasaurus Charlie Sheen!

Wednesday, 9:00 p.m.
With the dilemma of Will They or Won't They? soon to be resolved, Pacey, Joey, Dawson and Jen embark upon a riveting season of Why Did They or Didn't They? and Does Anyone Care Anymore? Find out!

Sunday, 9:30 p.m.
We first met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine, and boy, has she come a long way since then! That pun was definitely not intended, as our little darling is now a recovering sexaholic who has found legitimate employment as a board-certified jazzercist. With the help of her wacky students at the SunView Retirement Village, Nikki learns so much about herself, her God and her newfound ability to have what she calls "orgasms of joy," that it's just sick.

Miniseries, Oct. 18-21
A mysterious virus is turning the people of Earth into teenagers. The world's best scientists are hard at work trying to find a cure, but research stalls when Dr. Scheinberg leaves the lab early to catch "TRL" and Professor Wilkinson starts wearing cargo pants.

Tuesday, 8:00 p.m.
S is for sultry, so pouty and true,
A is for awesome, 'cause guess what? That's you!
R is for real, you're a real live doll,
A is for amazing, you've got it all.
H is for hottie, you're pretty and kind,
M is for mesmerizing, you've been on my mind.
I is for intelligent, you're so very smart
C is for capture, you've captured my heart.
H is for handsome, for that's what I am
E is for eternal, I'm forever your man
L is for lucky, that's what I'd be
L is for love, if you would love me.
E is for excellent, which begins with E
G is for great, which begins with G.
E is for extra-long, which is what your name is
L is for lengthy, which is also what your name is
L is for L, for God's sake, why so many Ls? Do you have any idea how few good words begin with L?
A is for answer, why don't you ever reply?
R is for restraining order—why, Sarah, why?

We're Here to Please

Ever since "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" caught on, we've been studying it intensely, trying to figure out what's got you all so ga-ga over it. And we think we've nailed it: You love shows based on Kristy Swanson movies. That's why this winter you'll see a lot more of them on the WB.

1994 film,
The Chase
Charlie Sheen, Kristy Swanson

Coming this December,
The Chase: The Show
Kirk Cameron, Tori Spelling

• • •

1991 film,
Mannequin 2: On the Move
William Ragsdale, Kristy Swanson, Meschach Taylor

Coming this January, Mannequin 2: On the Television
Jon Cryer, Elizabeth Berkley, Meschach Taylor

• • •

1997 film,
8 Heads in a Duffel Bag
Joe Pesci, Kristy Swanson

Coming next spring,
8 Heads in a Series
Scott Baio, Faith Ford

• • •

1987 film,
Flowers in the Attic
Victoria Tennant, Kristy Swanson

Coming next summer,
That Flowers in the Attic Show
Loretta Swit, Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate Olsen

Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

Introduction | Credits

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.