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Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

Thursday, 8:00 p.m.
"Your ass is mine, Panda!" yells the northern hairy-nosed wombat. Just another Thursday night on UPN, as the World Wildlife Fund brings its hard slammin’ action to primetime. You think the lion’s the king of the jungle? We’ll see what the gastric brooding frog has to say about that. Can you smell what the croc is cookin’?

Friday, 9:00 p.m.
A new reality show focussing on the world's longest running Dungeons & Dragons game (thirteen years!). "Level 9" refers to the unconquered portion of the castle of the Evil Prince Rackthor, protected by both a Displacer Beast (3,745,942 hit points), and the Twin Gricks of Hellfire, a combination that no amount of potions or enchantments has been able to solve. Broadcast live from Dungeonmaster Chuck Limpsky's basement, featuring Donnie Lobedel (Male Gnome Wizard), Ralph Porteck (Female Half-Elven Druid), Brian "Stinky" Hodges (Male Half-Orc Barbarian) and Jake Rogan (Male Elven Ranger).

Friday, 10:00 p.m.
Last month, when the UPN offices were moved to a more economical site in a vacant garage in Burbank, some producers found a strange door with the words "Level 10" stencilled on it. UPN does not know where the door leads. UPN has no idea what it will find once it ventures into Level 10, which promises to be a mysterious, perception-bending realm.

Tuesday, 8:00 p.m.
We told twenty crewmembers that they were hired to film a reality show. What they didn't know was that we were really filming them. I guess they'll read their contracts more closely from now on.

Monday, 9:30 p.m.
These four gals are just like the women on "Sex and the City," except with more melanin. Joan is a talented attorney on the fast track, Toni is a realtor on the make, Oprah is a popular television host who won't be takin' no disrespect from nobody and Harriet Tubman is an abolitionist who escaped from slavery in the South and led hundreds to freedom through the Underground Railroad.

Friday, 8:00 p.m.
I think there's something you should know. I think it's time I told you so. There's something deep inside of me. There's someone else I've got to be. Take back your picture in a frame. Take back your singing in the rain. I just hope you understand: Sometimes we schedule a show before we know what the premise is.

Thursday, 9:00 p.m.
What happens when a team of wisecracking funeral directors decides to open the largest and best-publicized funeral home in all of Connecticut? Ohmigod!

Wednesday, 8:30 p.m.
Does the idea of watching a pretty girl sound good? I should hope so! Did I mention she's got an awesome face? Well, she does. Furthermore, each of her breasts features a life-size human nipple! Yes, this new sitcom will leave you wanting to navigate her vagina. Starring Charlie Rose as the pretty girl.

Set Your Phasers on Riveting Suspense!

The voyage concludes this year. How will it end?
The crew returning safely to earth?
The crew remaining lost in the Delta Quadrant?
Tuvok declaring his love for B'elanna?
Janeway declariing her love for Neelix?
Neelix eating a child?
B'elanna and Seven engaging in a ratings-boosting lip lock?
B'elanna and Seven not talking much after that?
B'elanna saying, "Seven, I'm not that way"?
Seven saying, "You mean Borg, B'elanna?"
B'elanna saying, "You know what I mean"?
Seven saying, "Didn't you feel anything?"
B'elanna saying, "Seven, I..."?
Seven saying, "Let me hold you. Please"?
Paris kicking Chakotay under the table, raising one eyebrow and indicating B'elanna and Seven's table with a jerk of his head, as if to say, "Get a load of Anne and Ellen"?

Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE

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