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Immobilize the patient completely if possible, or limit movement to areas where there is no danger of bumping into ex.

If the patient displays an uncontrollable desire to call ex, prevent severe loss of dignity by placing direct pressure on the patient. Using the tips of your fingers, point at the patient as you ask him if he is crazy.

If necessary, apply a tourniquet to the patient’s telephone area. Make sure the receiver is securely fastened to the body of the telephone. Use string, rope, or belts--whatever is available.

Apply sympathetic attention to the patient. DO NOT immerse wound in alcohol or Patsy Cline’s greatest hits. Continue treatment until pain abates.

Worst-Case Scenarios:
Fart in crowded elevator
Significant other rents "Forrest Gump"
Photo posted on "Am I Hot or Not?"
Heart broken by bastard/bitch
Poppy seed in teeth in social setting

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