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Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

Legendary producer and full-time envelope-pusher Steven Bochco takes an unflinching look into the soul of Philadelphia: her sights, her smells, her cheese steaks. Kim Delaney stars as a cheese-steak vendor competing against Gino, the king of cheese steaks. Gino’s success rests with "The Wiz," an uncompromising blend of steak, cheese, green peppers and onion. Delaney’s answer is "The Works," a hardnosed jamboree of steak, four kinds of cheese, imported peppers, pizza sauce, Canadian bacon, a veal cutlet, a chicken cutlet, two pork chops, a complete Sloppy Joe, sixteen ounces of soft-serve yogurt, a deep-fried gold Krugerrand, salt and pepper. That’s the kind of rule-breaking we’ve come to expect of Bochco.

"Seinfeld" alum Jason Alexander takes a stab at a second sitcom, playing an overly-analytical scheming cheapskate. But this time he’s named Bob. Unconfirmed plotlines in the first season revolve around "The Eccentric Soup Entrepreneur" and a contest to be the "lord of your realm."

This new family sitcom stars Jim Belushi. At least that’s what he says. And get this, he also claims that his co-star is Courtney Thorne-Smith. Like anyone would leave "Ally McBeal" to star on a show with Jim Belushi. Oh, yeah, then he claims that the show is going to be "broadcast" into the homes of millions of Americans and viewable through a small box in their living rooms. Like people would let Jim Belushi into their living rooms every Wednesday night at 8:30/7:30 central. That Jim—what a storyteller!

Who is Ryan Stiles? Is he a sitcom actor? Or an improv comedian? "Alias" will explore the duality of his secret life.

Alone and on the run, one man—John Stamos—must carry out a series of jewel heists while trying to evade capture. And YOU can pursue him using clues provided during the show and on our Web site. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon executive produce. Now go get that Stamos!

It’s gritty comic realism when Denis Leary reads the classified section of the newspaper, answers an ad, sends in his resume, interviews with the head of personnel, interviews with a department sub-head, then accepts a low-level admin position and collates, collates, collates.

America’s favorite non-rigged game returns with a new twist! Anyone who reaches the all-important $32,000 level has the option to walk away right then and there AND punch Regis Philbin in the stomach.

Natural rubber is obtained from the Brazilian softwood tree Hevea brasiliensis (family Euphorbiaceae) by tapping—cutting or shaving the bark with a sharp knife—and collecting the latex in cups. Solid rubber is then coagulated from the fluid by the addition of chemicals, such as formic acid, that cause the rubber to form curds on the surface of the liquid. The curds can then be pressed between rollers to remove excess moisture and to form sheets. The sheets are then cut into thin strands. Each one is sold as a rubber band.

That hippie chick and her straight-laced husband—they have my family. I hear they’re using sleep deprivation on them. Brainwashing. They won’t let me call them, say they’re too busy growing beets. I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared.

On the first episode of the season, suggestions from the audience include "a toothbrush," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Wagon" and "kabuki." Improv doesn’t get better than this, folks.

Rick and Lily decide that getting married isn’t enough of a commitment, so they find a scientist willing to surgically graft their bodies together into one being. This new entity, named "Licky," feels so much love that it systematically sets about grafting all its children onto its inhuman form. This multi-headed, shambling horror lurches off into the night driven by a primitive impulse to return a lamp to Pottery Barn.

This season, Rick Schroder goes toe-to-toe with a new rival played by former child star Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zach of "Saved by the Bell"). As Gosselaar fights for respect, he better keep an eye on hot-shot newcomer Brice Beckham (Wesley from "Mr. Belvedere"). Will Beckham’s meticulous police work win him a cushy desk job? Not if Jeremy Miller (Ben from "Growing Pains") has anything to say about it. And who should come along to break up Miller’s little tea party but Danny Pintauro (Jonathan from "Who’s the Boss"), playing a savage Dominican drug lord. Looks like it’s gonna be a long season for Dennis Franz (Dr. Gibbs from Lincoln Junior High production of "Our Town").

You know what would be really cool? A TV show about a city that actually does spin—and people have to cope with it, and they’re constantly, like, lurching and vomiting and bumping into stuff. And there’s, like, this special task force of cops, who have to investigate this phenomenon, and every week, they come close to figuring out why the city spins so much, but then they’re foiled. Are you writing all this down? This is golden, I tell you! Golden!

Last season, Dennis Miller breathed new life into football with his witty commentary and unexpected comparisons. This year, he acts the same, but without the protective force field that kept the other sportscasters from beating him within an inch of his life.

Last season, rehab regular Robert Downey Jr. brought "Ally McBeal" back to life. This season, Ben Affleck brings his own brand of edgy, dark-haired twelve-stepping to "The Practice." How soon will he have his hand up Lara Flynn Boyle’s girls 4-6x sized skirt? Soon, my legal-minded friend. Soon.

Seriously, what about Joan? I can only take three people in my car, and yours is a two-seater. I suppose we could make two trips, but that’ll be a hassle. Maybe she should just take a cab.

David E. Kelley, producer of "The Practice" and "Ally McBeal," will sit at a desk and tell you about stuff he dreamt about the night before. Interestingly, most dreams will be about wacky and/or sexy lawyers.

"The Drew Carey Show" star Ryan Stiles invites you into his home, then straps you down and dresses you in his clothes.

Sure, the last season of "The Mole" didn’t really capture the national imagination, but this season, the Mole is actually a mole. It lives in open woodlands, pastures, lawns and gardens, and prefers well-drained, loose soil.


Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

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