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Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

A new documentary series commemorating the Caucasian contribution to American politics and culture. Find out how white people overcame their lack of skin pigment to conquer the Native Americans, the Chinese immigrants, and the Fox primetime lineup.

Horace Mann High School, September 1994-June 1998
B.F.A., Costume Design, Oral Roberts University, May 2001
M.A., Teaching Retarded Kids To Read, The Sorbonne (expected October 2005)

Julie Andrews stars as Christine Todd Whitman in a drama about the inner workings of the Bush Administration’s Environmental Protection Agency. Executive Producer Wolfgang Peterson ("Das Boot," "Das Clogs," and the upcoming "Das Pantyhose") makes his foray into television by recreating the high-stakes, fast-paced office environment in which Republican "conservationists" frantically slave from 10 until noon playing Minesweeper and winking at each other during strategy meetings with Greenpeace.

After her Internet company fails, Ellen (Ellen DeGeneres) leaves L.A., returns to her hometown, and moves in with two other women. Don’t get all excited, it’s her mother and her sister. Then she gets a job at her high school inviting young girls to her office. All right, I’m kidding, she’s a counselor. She also engages in sexual intercourse with females.

Before President Lyndon Baines Johnson died alone in his Texas mansion, he spoke a single phrase: "Goodbye, world." A reporter (James Cromwell) attempts to unlock the mysterious riddle of his dying breath, until the final episode when it is revealed that "Goodbye, world" was a brand of minty toothpaste that Johnson used as a child.

I want too watch Wulf Lake bekuz Indiens are cool. They sav the earth. They yell and have blak hair too and funy names. Like Pokahontis and Mulan. Indiens are very nice peeple. Indiens kill bufalos for food and jakets they don’t kill bufalos too die four no reezin. And wairwolfs too. I love Indiens.
And bekuz Lou Diamond Phillips is so fucking hot.

--Amanda Dickins, age 8

Daniel Stern plays a recently separated father of two trying to make sense of his changing life and the maddening voice in his head. This voice (Fred Savage) alternates between quaint reminiscences of his 1960’s childhood and demonic commands like "Cut the brake cable!" and "Go on, pinch it!"

Fresh from a Star Trek convention, The Guardian stars as The Guardian, a living machine which serves as a temporal gateway and can transport anyone to any place in history. Each week, celebrities goes back in time to fix mistakes in their careers. First up: Dabney Coleman goes back to the "Slap Maxwell" contract negotiations.

This season, Dr. John Becker (Ted Danson) hires his brother, Wimbledon champion Boris Becker (Michael Palin), as a part-time nurse in John’s medical practice. But John doesn’t bargain for the former serve-and-volleyer’s sidekicks Ivan Lendl (Ben Stiller) and Stefan Edberg (Tea Leoni), who continually banter about who does "better on grass."

Week 1: Tribes compete in various immunity challenges, including famine, lobbying for foreign aid, and promoting HIV awareness.
Week 2: Kevin rigs the UN-supervised tribal council and is elected attorney general of Uganda.
Week 3: A Coke bottle falls from the sky and the contestants fight over it, demonstrating how American materialism can corrupt a once-peaceful primitive society.
Week 4: The Coke bottle is followed by Doritos and Mountain Dew.
Weeks 5-7: They’re followed by Reebok shoes, a Maytag washer/dryer, and a Prudential investment portfolio.

In the season premiere, Della Reese is replaced by a sexy, genetically engineered human designed to kill. Roma Downey is replaced by Roma Downey, Jr., who invigorates the series as the new attorney/love interest with the adorable smile and the straightforward dialogue delivery.

This season will focus on how the Emmy Awards voters make their decision in the category of Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. They analyze Ms. Brenneman’s technique, body gestures, and vocal intonation before Tyne Daly enters and threatens to rough them up if they vote for Sela Ward.

Except Raymond. Raymond doesn’t love Gary. I thought that was implied.

With the help of a radical surgical procedure, Harm and Mac swap faces and identities, which leads to only mild confusion, as they both work for the same organization and have no particular animosity toward one another.

Doug Heffernan is the ruling monarch of Queens until William, Duke of Brooklyn, lays siege to his borough and slays him with an arrow through the eye.

Craig T. Nelson discovers that the entire district has been built on an Indian burial ground.

The 1859 murder of a young woman in the Oxford Canal was a crime that sent two possibly innocent men to the gallows. Can Greg and Jimmy crack a case over a century old with their domineering wives constantly bitching at them?

Charlie Rose, the reigning heavyweight champion of the world, attempts to settle down with Adrian, but money problems and pride force Rose back into the ring to face Apollo Creed in a long-awaited rematch.

Commentator Andy Rooney chats amiably from his bathroom whilst engaged in "solid relief."

Kiefer Sutherland has just two days to stop Dan Rather and his diabolical band of reporters from kidnapping his daughter and taking over the world.

Each week, a crack team of three agents taste-tests a different cheese-flavored snack food — blindfolded. Then, using the ultimate in high-tech technological technology, they attempt to determine what brand of snack food it was. (Don’t worry, we hide the box.)

Last season on "That’s Life," Lydia DeLucca turned her back on her blue-collar upbringing to go back to college. What does she think, she’s better than us? Miss Smarty Smart-Pants, going to college so she won’t be stupid like all her friends? Lah-dee-dah. See if we watch your show this year, missy.

If you use the end of a roll of toilet paper, you have to replace it. If Mom or Dad need to use the phone, you have to get off. No borrowing the car without permission. Elbows off the table or Mom will swat you. Use profanity and that’s three hours in your room.


Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

[ FALL TV 2001 Contributors ]

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