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Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

The "Star Trek" saga returns to its time-honored theme of earthlings exploring outer space and the inner reaches of the females they find there. First up: A new race of young space vixens, sexy save for one flaw—freakishly oversized foreheads. Christina Ricci and Mena Suvari guest star.

We still can’t believe we got this one. This is the greatest. I mean, I don’t like to gush, but we’re still talking about it here. This is really big. Fifth place, here we come!

Teen heartthrobs Max and Liz contact the Roswell Visitor’s Bureau and learn there is more to this southwestern town than flying saucer lore! Come along with them as they explore the Bitter Lake Wildlife Refuge, home to a variety of migratory fowl, and Spring River Park, which boasts the state’s only free zoo. And, yes, there’s the International UFO Museum and Research Center, where surly high-school kids pocket $5.50 an hour for dressing as aliens and firing "lasers" at visitors before hitting the Kum-n-Go parking lot for a bitter repast of unfiltered Marlboros, some Milwaukee’s Best and maybe a jay.

Finally, after seventeen years in development, we’re happy to bring you this sitcom based on the legendary
Commodore 64 computer game, featuring Dr. J vs. Larry Bird. In the first episode, Dr. J shatters the backboard. In the second episode, Larry Bird shatters the backboard.

Carrie aches for sweet furniture-designer Aidan, Charlotte discovers the sexual dysfunctions of Doctor Trey, and Miranda and Samantha search for Mister Right (or Mister Right Now!), except that all the names are different and everyone is African-American.

A secret division of the Chicago police, Special Unit 2 tackles such supernatural menaces as succubi (look it up) and vampires, who are attracted to Chicago for its vibrant waterfront and legendary jazz scene.

The world’s largest pair of blue jeans finally gets its own family sitcom. In the first episode, father D.L. Huge Lees (played by stand-up comic A. Pairofpants) gets upset when his kids start hanging out with the trendy Superlow family next door.

In the season opener, Fess loses his trademark coonskin cap during a drunken bender with Buddy Ebsen, and Sarah Jessica grills hubby Matthew Broderick about all the "rehearsal time" he’s been spending with Nathan Lane.

Our top-rated show keeps packin’ em in, despite the most implausible plotlines on television. I mean, the Undertaker starts using a crappy cross arm-breaker and a figure-four leg lock and suddenly he’s an expert on submissions holds? Absolutely ludicrous.

The United Paramount Network is run by us, Andrew Cicerone and Mike DeSisto, roommates who live in the Astoria section of Queens. We work hard to entertain you, and what do we get? We get made fun of. Now, we’re introducing UPN programming on Saturdays and Sundays. Like you’ll appreciate it.
Saturdays at UPN are usually devoted to our ongoing debate about who’s hotter: Brooke Burke or Jules Asner. There tends to be a fistfight or two and a hell of a lot of dead air. We apologize in advance, but Asner’s wholesome charm and sense of adventure makes her the clear winner, and some of us, Drew, just won’t see the light.
Sundays we usually spend talking about how good "Buffy" is going to be on Tuesday. Did you know we have "Buffy" now? We won it off of the guys who run the WB in a game of beer pong. They live in Astoria, too. Scott and Jared. Sweet guys. Solid.


Fall Schedules: NBC | CBS | ABC | FOX | WB | UPN

[ FALL TV 2001 Contributors ]

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